Jersey Shore: One Man Down

13 Jan

Oh good, another Vinny-centric episode.  Just what I was longing for.

We pick up on the same night where we left off, at Aztec.  Mike runs into Paula, a fling he had back in season one, and she leave the club with him.  On the walk back home, it starts pouring rain, and everyone gets soaked.  Jionni apparently doesn’t have a change of clothes, so Snooki asks Mike if Jionni can borrow a shirt.  There are literally three other boys in the house she could have asked, all with an overabundance of shirts (spoiler alert) but she chooses to ask Mike.  Well, being the nice guy that he is, Mike gives Jionni a shirt, as well as a fresh package of underwear.  To return the favor, Jionni offers to whip up the late night munchies.  Snooki gets uncomfortable seeing Jionni and Mike paling around, so she goes to bed.  Jionni follows her before the food is finished cooking, saying he didn’t want to eat anything.  Mike sees through the ruse, so when the food is done, he brings it up to the bedroom.  Thrilling.

In the morning, Ronnie wakes up Pauly D by crawling into bed to cuddle.  The boys go GTL, except Vinny who stays in bed.  He’s late for his shift at work, so Jenni and Sammi have to lift the gate at the t-shirt shop.  Danny gives them the same work gloves that we use at my job.  Fun fact.

At the house, Snooki calls Jionni and he asks if they will be pregaming at the house before they go out that night.  Snooki says probably a couple of shots.  Jionni asks her not to drink because he doesn’t want her to fall over, aka be sloppy and embarrassing.

Vinny shows up at the t-shirt shop, thinking that spending some time at work will make him feel better and take his mind off things.  Danny sees something is amiss, so he takes Vinny for a drink… of gatorade.  Super professional.  Let us not forget that Vinny macked on Danny’s girlfriend many moons ago.  I don’t know why we shouldn’t forget that, but it came to mind, so we shouldn’t.  Vinny admits to Danny that he has clinical anxiety.  And well… that’s no joke.  But  aside from that, I still think Vinny is a douchebag and he gets more unlikable every week.

After weeks of being in Italy, Pauly goes overboard with tanning.  He burned his face, it started peeling so he exfoliated it and now he can’t move his face because it hurts too much.  Oh how funny.  Four more of those and he doubles his chance of getting melanoma.

The roommates are very excited because they’re going to Karma.  At the club, Deena runs into an old friend Damian who she used to hook up with.  He’s in the right place at the right time, and he might get the golden ticket.  I’ve heard Deena talk about golden tickets several times, I wonder if she knows Willy Wonka only gave out five of them.

Snooki is super drunk, which we can tell because she starts babbling about chicken cutlets for no reason, and then she falls on the floor, even though all she was doing was standing, and I think she even had some assistance with that.  Wise Ronnie says that Jionni isn’t having a good time because he feels like he has to babysit Shnooki.  Ronald also shares some wisdom regarding Vinny:  he sees him walking around by himself, whereas Vinny usually stays with the crowd.  Baffling.

At the end of the night, Mike doesn’t have a girl to bring to the “crib,” but Paula shows up in the nick of time.

Pauly brings home a girl.  He tells us, he doesn’t use the smush room, which is oh so hilarious because he busted Deena’s balls about not using the smush room in Italy, but I digress.  Vinny wants to get some sleep, so Pauly takes the girl to the smush room.  After he’s done with her, it’s 4AM.  He goes to call her a cab, but the cab company says they can be there in an hour.  Pauly says he doesn’t have an hour!  Meanwhile, the girl he doesn’t know is putting her clothes on, and she takes his chain and stuffs it down the front of her shorts.  She says she can’t leave because she can’t find her shoes.  Pauly takes a quick look around before giving up and telling her that her shoes are in the cab.  She’s not buying it, but she goes to the cab barefoot anyway.  Who cares, she has a gold and diamond chain now, she can probably buy a couple of pairs of shoes with that.

After getting his beauty sleep, Pauly realizes he can’t find his diamond chain, which, did I mention, was his favorite and meant the world to him?  Snooki tells him the girl probably stuck it in her butthole before she left.  That’s what some strangers do when you let them into your house.  Steal stuff.  Just then, the girl shows up at the door in a bikini, wearing Pauly’s chain.  Snooki thinks she took the chain so she could have an excuse to come back.  They can’t find the girl’s shoes, but Pauly says she’s already lost her dignity, what does she need with the shoes?

Vinny is still sad, so Ronnie takes him to the boardwalk to play some games.  He doesn’t feel like being around people at the club, and he can’t get sleep which is making his anxiety worse.

Snooki talks to Vinny about his feelings, and he tells her he’s giving up drinking, because he doesn’t want to use that as a means to escape from his issues.  He also says he may want to leave if that’s what’s best for him, but he wants to make the decision when he is able to think clearly.  That’s the frustrating thing about Vinny… there’s an intelligent person in there somewhere, but it’s eclipsed by his douchebaggery and misogyny.  The roommates talk about how sad they’ll be if Vinny leaves, but I’ll be happy when we move on from this storyline.

They’re getting ready to go out for the night.  The unedited shot of Deena using perfume  was probably the greatest editing choice since the dueling cab rides of season two.  They all feel conflicted leaving without Vinny, but they don’t want to overwhelm him.  Pauly hangs back as they all leave so he can try to talk to Vinny.  As soon as everyone is out the door, Vinny calls his sister asking her to pick him up, only to decide he will take a cab to Staten Island.  He has no fight left in him.  Pauly can’t sway him.  Pauly says he has to let Vinny go home to fix himself because he’s tried everything.  Yeah Pauly, you really exhausted all avenues on this one.

Pauly helps Vinny pack by unfolding clothes that are already folded and folding them back up the way they were before he unfolded them.

Farewell, sweet prince.  See you in like, a couple of weeks when you come back.

MTV and Vinny have also set up a website to help people learn more about clinical anxiety at


Pretty Little Liars: A Hot Piece of ‘A’

10 Jan

"Where do you think you're going dressed like that, young lady? You're an embarrassment to our family by the ensemble alone."

As the episode begins, Emily expresses that she is pissed off at everyone for being late because it almost killed her.  Aria and Spencer can’t get out their “good” “excuses” fast enough, when Hannah interrupts and says Kate is moving to Rosewood, which is neither an excuse for her lateness, nor does it matter to anyone, whatsoever.  Seriously Hannah, who cares?  She seems to think that Kate coming to Rosewood is worse than Emily almost getting killed by A, but Emily is quick to remind her that she has glass in her hair.  Of course, they all have glass in their hair, but no matter.

The girls reasonably think of asking Caleb for his help with the phone situation, but Hannah refuses and says they can take it to a phone store, and everyone is like, “A phone store?  You’re the dumbest person alive.”  While they’re being dumb, and calling each other dumb, a call comes in on A’s phone. They pass it off to each other to answer the call, but Emily won’t pick up because she has glass in her hair.  ENOUGH. ABOUT. THE GLASS.  Just then, more glass crashes in the greenhouse so Emily says she has Caleb’s number and will call him as they race out.

Caleb tries to work some magic to retrieve the data from the phone, but the phone owner locks it from his computer before Caleb can extract everything.  He says he will try to get whatever he can, even though he has no idea what for.

Aria gets ready for school and wears the horrifying get up from the banner pic.  Chad catches her and tells her to change her clothes.  Aria starts to fight back, but Holly interrupts and tells her to pick her battles.  Aria is practically in tears that she has to wear something less ugly to school, and she thinks she’s getting some sympathy from her mom.  But then Holly gives her a reality check and tells Aria she needs to spend more time with her family, less with her friends, and none with Ezra, not even a goodbye.

Spencer is sitting with Toby in his car when they overhear Garrett having a fight with Jenna on his phone.  Toby says they’ve been fighting since the night before, and Spencer is suspicious.  He says it’s because Jenna is nervous about her eye operation.  They hear Garrett say things got bad because the pulled someone else in, and asked “him” for help.  Spencer doesn’t think that sounds like it has to do with the operation, and I am inclined to agree with the only smart one.

Emily is taking a make up test with Aria’s mother, who announces she has about 5 minutes left to finish up.  Emily decides to take this as an opportunity to ask if she can take this test some other time because she hasn’t had a change to actually read the book the test is on.  Well… that would have been an appropriate question when you started the test, but not when you have 5 minutes left, Emily.  In any case, Holly somehow lets it slide.  I wonder what Emily did the whole time she was taking the test if she didn’t read the book?  Is Aria’s mom going to have to make up a third test now because Emily already looked at all the questions?  I hope this gets addressed next week.

Aria borrows Hannah’s phone to call Ezra, and he has the worst outgoing message of all time.  “I can’t talk right now, but you can.  Leave a message after the *beep*.” Vomitrocious.

Spencer tries to get a partner in crime to snoop around Jason’s, because she assumes he’s the one helping Jenna and Garrett.  Even though it seems ridiculous and impossible to do this, Emily spills the beans about Hannah and Caleb hooking up at Spencer’s lakehouse on the couch. Spencer is upset because that was her nana’s couch.  Spencer bites the bullet and offers the house to Hannah anyway, who decides to use it to throw a surprise party for Caleb.  He’s poor so he’s probably never had a birthday party before.  And even though Spencer presumably offered the house as a bribe to make Hannah snoops at Jason’s, somehow the snooping never materialized.  I’m disappointed in Spencer.

Emily is doing her community service hours at a crisis hotline.  They stress how important anonymity is.  So they start reading a transcript from the night before, and it becomes obvious to Emily that this was A/A’s helper.

At his apartment, Ezra is being boring, watching basketball, when he gets a visitor, and it is Chad.  Chad acts holier-than-thou, because his indiscretions didn’t involve a minor, and HE HAS A POINT.  He’s still mad, but almost cools his jets, until he sees… THE BED.  Oh hell no, he thinks, and decides he’s going to call the police.  How dare Ezra have A BED.  What kind of monster is he???

Emily steals the transcript from the crisis hotline, and Spencer thinks they should all volunteer there in case this person calls back.  Aria is aghast.  She can’t work at a HOTLINE, she says, as though it’s beneath her.  And that’s how she feels, but she covers it up by saying she’s under house arrest.

Caleb tells them that he cracked one of the files, and shows them a picture of the dolls.  They’re all disappointed and he can tell.  But he’s used to being a disappointment.  He’s probably never had a birthday party.

Chad and Holly are talking about his visit with Ezra and how Chad is going to call the police.  Holly tells him not to because she’s concerned about Aria’s reputation, which is tarnished enough because of the evidence tampering for a murder investigation.  And let’s not forget she used to have a strand of pink hair!!!  Her reputation is still in tatters over that.

Hannah shows up to Ezra’s office with a birthday cake in her hands for no reason.  She decides to speak for everyone and say that no one is upset about him dating Aria except Aria’s parents.  But Hannah didn’t ask for my two cents.  I’m very upset about it.

The transcript caller calls in again and the lady in charge lets Spencer and Emily listen in.  Emily recognizes the voice as Lucas.  So much for anonymity.  Lucas says he knows what he has to do but he hates to do it.  It’s now obvious that the transcript was misleading, and Lucas is not A’s helper.  Obvious to me, that is.  But Emily and Spencer are more convinced than ever.  Hannah doesn’t believe them when they tell her to be careful though.  She comes to Lucas’s defense.

Spencer and Hannah are at the lakehouse looking for tiki torches for the party.  Spencer finds the spot where A took the picture of the dolls in the attic.  She tries telling Hannah but Hannah can’t be bothered.  Lucas comes upstairs looking for tools, and Spencer gets way too freaked out.  She’s like, tools, we don’t have tools in the attic, why would you think that, what are tools?

Chad, Holly and Aria go to have a family dinner at a restaurant when they see Ezra eating there. They decide to eat somewhere else, forever. Holly suggests driving to New Hampshire.  They run into some random guy and his kid, who is apparently someone who used to live in the area.  New love interest alert~

Emily goes to the crisis hotline to return the missing transcript page that they somehow knew was missing.  They are very organized over there.  Emily answers a call, and it’s Lucas.  He says he’s going to take care of it tonight, and he keeps seeing her face and how hard it’s going to be to lose her forever.  Emily assumes Lucas is going to kill Hannah.  I assume that it’s anything else,, since Lucas has been distancing himself from Hannah for the past two episodes.

At the party, Emily makes a beeline for Lucas and asks him not to do something he’s going to regret.  He’s confused for half a second, and then obviously realizes she was on the phone with him earlier.  What Emily fails to realize is, recognizing a person’s voice isn’t a rare gift that only she possesses.  She probably thought she was a wizard or something.  She runs to Spencer and says she thinks something she said may have made Lucas suspicious.  By the time they’re done having this conversation, Lucas is half way into the lake with Hannah.

In the lake, Lucas stops rowing and tells Hannah to sit down. Hannah is starting to get nervous.  She asks him to take her back to shore.  He throws something over the edge of the boat, and Hannah takes that opportunity to knock him out with an oar, and then frantically rows back toward the shore.  That is, until she capsizes on account of being an idiot.  She swims back to shore, but I think Lucas is dead.  A collects his shoe from the lake.

Jersey Shore: Hurricane Situation

10 Jan

Not gross at all.

And so we enter what may be the last 3 minute of fame for our favorite guidos and guidettes.  I was a little underwhelmed by the end of last season, so my enthusiasm for this season is at an all time low.  Let’s see how it goes.

The roommates are all thrilled to be leaving Italy because they can’t get proper GTL.  And I think they definitely have their priorities straight.  They are almost at the house when Situation throws a wet blanket on the party saying he doesn’t care what room he gets.  Everyone pretty much agrees they don’t want to share a room with Mike because they are tired of the drama.    Everyone goes on about how much they love their old bed to get out of rooming with Mike.  Snooki goes so far as to admit she peed in her bed last year, which I can’t believe I missed the first time.  So all the roommates take the rooms they had last time.  We know how well it worked out originally.

Vinny immediately says he’s glad he has his old room because he won’t stand for temper tantrums and crying.  This will become important later.

Sam approaches Mike and says she doesn’t want to have any problems this time around.

Apparently Italy doesn’t have pickles, so Snooki drinks pickle juice instead of alcohol.  That doesn’t last too long as they all dive into Ron-Ron juice before going to the Shore Store.  Danny gives them their schedule for the summer, and invites them out for drinks the next night.

The next morning, the guys go GTL bright and early.  In my opinion, they look very tan, but they’re not tan by Jersey standards.  They’re also thrilled to see their American “babas,” and Mike uses a suspicious amount of hairspray.  Vinny got a weird hipster haircut that Ronnie says looks good on him, but I don’t know about that.

Danny has invited everyone to  bar called Captain Hooks.  Snooki doesn’t really want to hang out with her boss, but she hopes he’s paying for drinks.  Even more disappointing is how dead the bar is when they arrive.  Little do they know, all their family and friends are waiting to surprise them.  Snooki is relieved that Jionni is there, because hopefully that means he’s forgiven her for hooking up with Vinny 45 seconds after they broke up.

And guess who’s crying in the corner while his Uncle Nino hits on everyone?

Jenni is concerned that the night might be a drama powder keg, and getting Jionni, Vinny and Mike in the same room might cause some sparks.  As it is, Jionni awkwardly mills around as Snooki says hello to Vinny’s mom. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!  Mike’s boy “Unit” is there.  You’ll remember Unit as the guy who had sex with Ryder as Mike and Snooki watched and then they hooked up?  According to Mike, this is the perfect storm.

Situation says Unit is staying at the house.  Immediately Unit is a douche, asking about the puss on Snooki’s face.  Snooki, Unit, Situation and Ryder have a “conversation” where they all pick a phrase they will repeat over and over, like they’re on Maury or something.  Snooki goes with, “Tell me about myself,” while Ryder follows up with, “I want to hear it.”  Unit, for some reason is saying, “I can be very funny.”  Mike chooses to say, “Stop, stop, stop, stop,” about 900 times.  If I were there I would have said, “Say something else.”

Situation thinks it’s stupid for Snooki to antagonize Unit because he’s the key witness to the crime.  Snooki calls out, “Your name’s Unit you moron.”  Uh… What does she think her name is?

Detective Ronnie is convinced now that Snooki did hook up with Mike, based on how she was acting around Jionni and Unit.  CASE CLOSED.  Snooki is tearing up after her confrontation, and Jionni asks her if Unit hit on her.  I have so many questions in response to that and they all start with “why???”

Anyhow, Jenni tries to diffuse the situation by saying Unit would have said something by now if he was going to start drama.  She does this while peeing, and she asks Snooki to run the sink like I’m not going to know she’s peeing in that stall.  What do I look like, every boy?

The roommates head back to the house, along with Jionni, Roger, Unit and Ryder.  I don’t know where these extra beds are going to come from, I guess the stragglers are going to have to find someone to smush.  From the looks of it, Unit and Situation are going to be sharing a bed, since they strip down in front of each other, not even waiting for Sammi to leave the room.

Situation and Unit are preparing to start drama already, but Snooki and Jionni go straight to bed, ruining their plans.

Pauly D starts speaking in tongues to seduce Ryder.  Deena is uncomfortable, and gets even moreso when Ryder and Pauly start hooking up.  When they head to Pauly’s bed, Deena follows and sits in the room with them for a silent minute before leaving saying “Whatever, I’m happy.  Awesome.”  I believe it.  Then Vinny crawls into his own bed to go to sleep.  Ryder’s already hooked up with Vinny and Unit, so Pauly hesitates for about half a minute before deciding he’s not above Vinny’s sloppy seconds.

In the morning, Vinny comes out and says, “everybody ride her, just like a bus route.”  I’m beginning to think every half way clever thing these guys have ever said was stolen from rap lyrics.  I hope Jay-Z sues him.  Ronnie realizes that Vinny has hooked up with Ryder and says, ” I don’t like sloppy 23rds.”  This goes on, and on, and on.  I hate the way these guys make fun of girls who’ve had sex with them, solely because they’ve had sex with them.  I think as females, we have to all get on the same page and agree not to have sex with these specific guys, and see if they still think it’s so funny.

Unit decides he wants an apology from Snooki because she was mean to him last night.  Situation tells her she said some mean things to him last night.  I don’t really think she said anything very mean, but she still apologizes.  But Unit doesn’t accept it because she feels like she’s phoning it in.  According to Situation, now if he and Unit try to get her back, they’ll look like the bad guys, but they have the whole summer ahead of them.

Meanwhile, Vinny is getting homesick, and he starts moping around the house in his dumb hipster glasses.  Vinny feels like he needs an escape.  Ronnie thinks that Vinny is just missing his mother waiting on him hand and foot at home.

The roommates decide to go to Aztec for the night.  They need to find a girl to get Vinny out of his funk, but the club is packed with grenades.  The boys leave the club and walk home.

Vinny confesses to Pauly that he’s running on “E” and he wants to go home to his family.  He tries to get a good night sleep because he’s feeling tired and rundown.  He tosses and turns but he can’t fall asleep.  He goes outside without talking to anyone.  Ronnie goes outside to comfort him.

Vinny says he can’t think, he’s homesick and he can’t function.  HE’S GOT NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE, YOU GUYS.  He’s given too much.  By partying and making hundred of thousands of dollars for hooking up with girls and being an idiot.  I feel bad for him, truly.  But he’s being a crybaby.  And I WON’T STAND FOR IT.

Hopefully this season gets more interesting, because I’m not that excited to watch another episode.

Pretty Little Liars: Through Many Dangers, Toils and Snares

3 Jan

I think the episode title is probably referring to Aria's wardrobe.

When we left our Pretty Little Liars last season, they had been arrested after having been set up, once again by A.  It seems a lot has transpired since then.  First of all, the girls have traded in their candy striper outfits for orange jumpsuits.

Apparently this is because they are doing community service for tampering with evidence.  And you know what? They totally deserve it!  They tampered with so much evidence, it’s not even funny.  Turns out they got off easy because Spencer’s lawyer mother got them a good deal.

But not everything is so peachy, as the girls now seems to be turning on each other.  Emily thinks that if the cops ever find a way to charge the girls with Alison’s murder, Spencer’s mom would throw them all under the bus to keep her out of trouble.  Well Spencer doesn’t like the sound of that.  Emily and Spencer throw down.  Officer Garrett watches smugly, which is kind of disgusting if you think about it.

Back at Hannah’s house, we find out that, even though Hannah ruined her dad’s wedding and told his fiance that he cheated on her with her mom, her dad still got married once he got back to Baltimore.  Hannah kind of blows it off because it was just in a court house.  I have a feeling she thinks that means it isn’t a “real” marriage.  It is though, so she didn’t really accomplish anything.  That will become a theme of this episode.

Emily walks into the kitchen and she and Hannah avoid each other.  Hannah’s mom find out that Emily and Spencer got an extra two weeks of community service on account of their fight in the park.  Hannah’s mom is concerned about the girls drifting apart.

Aria and her brother are walking to school, I suppose.  She is drinking coffee, as usual, except her cup is obviously empty.  She asks him if he likes his new therapist so as to refresh our memories about Mike’s behavioral problems before the hiatus.  Aria awkwardly asks Mike to throw out her empty cup and then tells Ezra she can’t handle their relationship anymore, worrying that something will happen to him.

Back at school, Spencer runs into Garrett who says he was looking for Jenna.  Spencer says they make an interesting couple but she liked it better when it was a secret.  “Timing is interesting,” she says ominously, leaving me to wonder what she means.  Apparently I’m not the only one, because Garrett replies, “You keep saying thinks to me like they’re supposed to mean something.”  Spencer asks him where Jason is, and Garrett suggests maybe Jason got tried of them and went away like Dr. Sullivan.

Emily has a clean bill of health now, and speaks to the swim coach.  Apparently the coach may not let her back on the team because of her criminal charges.  That seems fair.

Spencer hands Aria’s mom an extra credit report (NERD) and gets a super icy cold shoulder.  Aria’s mom still thinks that Spencer and Mr. Fitz are a couple.  Emily and Spencer bump into each other and almost get into another fight.  Emily gets a text from A saying “You were always my favorite.  Want to make a deal?”  Emily goes to the chalkboard and circles the word yes, as it was conveniently on the board.  I guess she didn’t really have a choice because it didn’t say “no” anywhere on the board.

In the hallway, Aria confides in Hannah about her awkward encounter with Ezra, so it seems that all the girls don’t hate each other, they all hate Emily.  Personally, I think they should all hate Aria, since she is A and all.

Emily is putting her books in her locker.  She got a hold of one of Spencer’s books in the shuffle earlier, and there is a note inside it saying “Meet at 10 tonight.”  Meet where?  I don’t know.  That’s a vital piece of information that’s missing.

Apparently someone thinks Hannah is enough of a big deal that they are posting pictures of her in her jumpsuit online.  Lucas is helping her to get them down. When I say “helping” I mean that Lucas was doing all the work, including finding the pictures.  He thinks people will lose interest in Hannah pictures soon because the internet is full of talking dog videos and people eating couch cushions.

When Spencer arrives home from school, Toby is waiting for her.  She’s home alone because her parents had to go to be with her sister, since there is something irregular about her heartbeat.  It’s probably nbd, and will not warrant further discussion.  Toby wants to know why Spencer and Emily are fighting, but she won’t tell him. He reveals a rocking chair he made for her.  Between this and the movie “Like Crazy,” it appears that making a chair for a girl is the new flowers and candy.  Well Spencer can’t accept his chair, they are through!  He doesn’t want to break up but she tells him to worry about Jenna and Garrett instead of her.  He reacts like this is a low blow for some reason.

At 10pm Emily arrives at the greenhouse.  Oh the greenhouse!  How could I have been so blind.  Well apparently, the whole rift in the friendship has just been a clever ruse, and A is buying it hook, line and sinker.  They are all very proud of themselves.  Their plan is as follows: Emily is going to pretend to want the box of “evidence” that Jason gave Aria, even though there’s no evidence in the box.  A doesn’t know that.  And um…  I guess the rest will play out later.

Aria shows up to Ezra’s office to leave him a book he lent her, when Jackie catches her.  They have a threatening conversation and who should overhear them in the doorway but Ezra Fitz.  The man whose office they are standing in.  Fancy that.  Ezra tells Aria that he isn’t going to let Jackie destroy their relationship.

The girls stage their fight at school.  Everyone is there.  It goes off without a hitch.  Emily gets a text from A saying, see you tonight.

Ezra has a big plan.  He goes to Aria’s house.  He stands in front of her parents ceremoniously instead of sitting like a normal person telling them normal news.  And then he explains how he and Aria have been dating before, during and after her time as his student.  Chad’s jaw is on the floor.  Holly poops her pants.  Their brains explode all over the room, and Aria is totally chill like, yeah that happened, watch me hold his hand like a boss.  Chad tells Ezra to get out of the house.  Holly keeps saying no over and over.  And then Mike comes out of no where and punches Ezra in the face.  Aria gets sent to her room like she’s some kind of teenager.  Oh wait.

It’s time for the girls to find out who A is.  Spencer is wearing her stealth hat.  Toby shows up delaying her arrival.  Hannah is about to leave when her mom says her dad is coming and she can’t leave.  The only person who is on time to the meeting is Emily.

Hannah’s dad reveals that he will be moving his new family, including his devil step daughter Kate, to Rosewood.  I’m sure his new wife was thrilled about moving closer to his ex-wife whom he recently had an affair with, but all Hannah can ask is, how can you do this to meeeeeee?

Meanwhile, Emily shows up at the greenhouse totes alone.  Spencer isn’t far behind because she knows how to handle ish. Where is this greenhouse by the way?  Is it in Spencer’s backyard?  She gets a call from Aria who hasn’t even tried to leave the confines of her “room.”  By the time she bothers to show up, Emily will be dead.

When Aria finally decides to try to leave, Mike shows her how he sneaks out to rob houses.  He admits he doesn’t really care that Aria and Ezra were dating, he just though a punch from him would be kinder than a punch from Chad.

A large, hooded figure shows up in the greenhouse.  Emily talks and talks  to A.  She says A was afraid of what they had in the box.  Cleverly she reveals, the joke is on A!  They know nothing!  And A fell right into their trap.  And uh… now what?  A thinks this is a good time to start beating Emily to death, and I agree.  Spencer and Aria rush in and try to wrastle with A, but he throws a flowerpot to the ceiling, making glad rain down on them and escapes.  Johnny-come-lately Fat Hannah finally rolls up and hits A with her car, but A still gets away.

Spencer is so pissed.  But what’s that?  A dropped his cellphone in the chase.  I think it’s a Motorola Droid and it has a cracked screen.  I hope A has insurance, because that’s going to cost a bundle to replace.

When A realizes the phone is missing, he freaks out and breaks his car window.  It probably won’t be very difficult to find out A’s identity now!  Especially considering Caleb is a phone whiz!  Tune in next week to find out how the girls screw it up instead of cracking the case wide open!

Bear Claw: The Magical Mystery Pastry

14 Dec

The hottest tool in mind control

In my whole life, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bear claw.  Lately I have been hearing about them incessantly, and I’m beginning to suspect they have some magical powers.

Several weeks ago on Two Broke Girls, Caroline wanted to sit and have a serious discussion with Max about vision boards.  (Two days later, Happy Endings had an episode where Jane and Penny made vision boards, thereby convincing me that I needed to make myself an updated one… one that would not include pictures of Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner, but that’s neither here nor there).  Well Caroline knew Max would never go for this, because trying to get Max to take a vision board seriously would be like trying to make a boy take a vision board seriously, which Max is not, despite what her name suggests.  Caroline entices Max with a vanilla bear claw from Starbucks.  “A bear claw!” Max exclaimed.  “Awesome!  I’ll sit anywhere you want.”

Max makes an obvious, crude and unfunny joke while nibbling on a bear claw. It does not perform comedy miracles.


Then last week on Once Upon A Time, Emma took a break from walking around like a man to make a staunch, no night shifts policy.  I presume this means Graham works all the night shifts since there are no other employees, and crime doesn’t sleep.  In any case, Graham has a pet shelter emergency so he asks Emma to make a one time exception.

Look at her face. She so doesn't want to.

But wait.  What’s that?  A box of donuts?  “You’re lucky you bought a bear claw,” Emma reluctantly agrees.  But then she finds out Graham actually used his night off to sleep with Regina, so Emma won’t be so easily swayed next time.  It will probably take two bear claws.

I don’t know what all the fuss is about, because I have never had a bear claw.  It looks like a plain donut, which I have eaten, and I would not work a night shift for.  I tried to find one at Dunkin Donuts, but they don’t sell bear claws.  I don’t go to Starbucks because I work at a plumbing company and I’m not ballin like these broke diner waitresses, but their online menu makes no mention of bear claws.  Storeybrooke, Maine isn’t even a real place, so their bakery probably isn’t real either.

Do bear claws even exist?  The world may never know.

Teen Mom 2: Best Laid Plans

8 Dec

Oh Chelsea.

The new season of Teen Mom 2 premiered on Tuesday, and you’ll be delighted to know that, as we speak, all four of the teen moms are currently blonde.  It’s a good look for approximately half of them.  A certain quote naturally comes to mind… “The best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men gang aft agley.”  I can’t help but think that when I watch this show sometimes.

I attempted to watch the season of Teen Mom 1, otherwise known as Teen Mom, but lost steam because the only one worth watching for is Amber.  But Teen Mom 2 is 400% hot messier than the original, so I am obsessed with it.   If only they could just add Amber to this cast, then I would know her every move.

At the end of the last season, Kailyn and Jo had signed a joint custody agreement for Isaac, and she had moved into her mother’s apartment.  Leah had doubts about rushing into marrying Corey, but he gave her an ultimatum that they either get married or break up, so they got married.  Chelsea and Adam broke up again because he’s a horrible person.  And Jenelle… well she had gotten arrested for marijuana possession and breaking and entering, as had her boyfriend Keiffer, and even though she told her mom she wouldn’t, she had her friends bail Keiffer out of jail.  I’m tired of the drama.

So far, things are going will with Kailyn and Jo, and they got through Halloween without any drama, thank god.  As for Corey and Leah, she was getting a little stir crazy being a housewife, so she wanted to get a part time job, but then accidentally got a full time job, and I can only guess bought cheetah print scrubs, on purpose?  Corey wasn’t thrilled about Leah working because he is afraid she will cheat on him.  This is called foreshadowing.

As for Chelsea, she is still attempting to get her GED, because she needs it to go to beauty school.  For some reason, she’s just getting around to getting a book to study for it.  But I guess it is very taxing to live in your own home where your father pays the rent for you, and the not having a job and pumpkin picking and so forth.  Chelsea takes Aubrey pumpkin picking with one of her friends who has an even smaller child.  Chelsea was either a very bad influence, or they had a pregnancy pact.  In any case, Adam must have broken up with the girl he was living with at the end of last season, because he came to the house for five minutes to flirt with Chelsea, and then he called her and asked her out.  To which she said, “maybe.”  Which I think was reasonable, because it will probably work out this time.  It’s not like Adam is the worst person ever or anything.  It’s not like he called her a “stretch mark bitch” in a text message after she gave birth to his child.  Oh.

Jenelle was living with her mom again, who was under the impression that Keiffer was still in jail.  Unbeknownst to Barbara, Jenelle was sneaking around meeting up with Keiffer, every day it seemed.  One night she went out to an arcade, and Barbara told her to be back by midnight if she wanted to babysit Jace the next day.  Yes, this is what it’s come to.  A mother babysitting her own child.  Well, we don’t know what time Jenelle came in, but she woke up to Barbara getting Jace ready for daycare, as she claimed Jenelle got in late and refused to leave the baby with him.  Jenelle insisted she was home on time.  I don’t know who to believe.

Barbara left for work and Jenelle called Keiffer crying about the incident so he came over to the house.  Then on Halloween, Jenelle went to meet up with Keiffer before going trick-or-treating with Jace.  She admitted, it was a little risky, but she was letting Keiffer borrow her car so he could meet up with some friends.  So Keiffer dropped her off in front of her house and drove off.

Unfortunately for them, Detective Barbara was peeking out the window, using her spy gear.  I believe the technical term for it is her “eyes.”  Did I spell that right?  In any case, as soon as Jenelle crossed the threshold, Barbara announced, “Well Jenelle, I seen you with Keiffer.”  And she kicked her right out of the house.  Again.

I can’t believe that letting Keiffer borrow the car didn’t go off without a hitch.  Well, you know what they say.  Even the best laid plans.

Jersey Shore: Where Is My Boyfriend?

23 Sep

Ciao Jionni! Get it? It means hello and goodbye.

I have missed the last two episodes of Jersey Shore on account of the fact I spent the early part of this month overseas.  To get my Jersey Shore fix, I was reduced to watching “Les Ch’ti’s a Ibiza” in Paris, and it was mostly in French.  From what I gathered, Alex, the ginger was upset because he thought he had a thing with Anastasia, but then one night at the club she was talking to a Belgian and he took great offense to it, and everyone was like, she’s not your girlfriend, and no one even fell once and it was not a good time.

So in my absence, I missed Snooki hitting a cop car and I have lost track of the status of Sammi and Ronnie’s relationship.  But I have returned just in time for the episode I had been waiting for: the one where Jenni calls Snooki an asshole.

This was a depressing episode, if you ask me.  First Jenni is in tears because Roger can’t get off work to come, and I was sad.  And then a tumultuous reunion.  BUT FIRST.  While Sitch is out at the bar picking up an Australian lady, Britney shows up drunk as a skunk, and Snooki convinces her to hide in Mike’s bed.  So that was interesting.

Ok, so pretty much the only story on this episode revolves around Jionni visiting.  It appeared as though they went to a club almost as soon as Jionni got off the plane, and already he was weary about the skimpiness of Snooki’s dress, which Ronnie likened to a bikini.  And to  their credit, it was very short and very plunging.

We didn’t get to see Snooki get drunk, as we were distracted by Situation getting paranoid about having beef  with Jionni.  But in the meantime Snooki drank until she wanted to get up and dance on a platform, and lifted her teeny dress up exposing herself to the world.  Well Jionni was like, everyone can see your vagina, and he got mad and stormed off.

Snooki got upset and started running after him, and falling because it’s hard to run on those cobblestones and also the drunk thing.  She wondered why Jionni was running, and Jenni told her it’s because she’s being an asshole, etc., and Snooki said she hated her and she didn’t want anyone to talk to her.  Ronnie tried to talk sense into Jionni, saying he knows why Jionni is upset but he knew what he was getting into with Snooki.  He was right, but Jionni kept running.

Aside from Jenni, who appeared to be chasing Jionni all over Florence barefoot, but actually had no idea where he was, the other roommates seemed thoroughly bored by this fight as though they’d seen it a thousand times before.  Only Sammi was intrigued as she realized, this is horrible, and this is what it’s like for everyone when I fight with Ron.  Her overdue apology was hilarious, and I believe it was sincere, even though she said it with her regular stinkface.

Snooki hated her roommates, that taxicab and the whole world.  She was sobbing very hard, but Vinny promised her that Jionni had to come back because his pass port and everything was at the house.  And come back, he did, but only briefly to pack his bag, as Snooki tried to confront him.  He told her what she did but she denied it, and ultimately he left.

It was kind of ridiculous, but mostly sad because Snooki seemed really devastated and they hadn’t even enjoyed any time together in Italy.  But this isn’t the first time Snooki’s drinking has had consequences, so I don’t know when she will learn.  I should’t worry too much though, Snooki and Jionni are still together so I guess it works out, even after she hooks up with Vinny next week.